Sunday, September 19

Day 7 – September 19, 2010

I woke up feeling heavy headed. My hand instinctively grabbed my phone to see if I got any texts from B. Nothing. Well – I’ve been dumped. What else could I expect? Silly me. And I've been checking my phone for the past week.

I kept thinking about B. The more I thought, the more tighter my chest felt. As if someone grabbed my heart and strangles it there and then. Images of me and B together flashed like a passing train through my mind.

I watched the video I made for B. I know I shouldn’t have watched it. But I wanted to. I watched it repeatedly, and tears repeatedly ran down my cheeks. I saw pictures of us together, at home, at trips…I can’t believe we weren’t together anymore. It just felt so different, it felt just as if my whole heart got infarcted – then only a small part was there, beating. I know it sounds totally non-medical, but that was what I thought earlier.

I took the leter B wrote for me on the 31 August. B wrote it just before I left home to come here to continue my studies. Actually I felt B was getting further away from me since B went to college. Actually I started crying long ago, since July. I felt something was wrong but B never told me anything. B told me that I was thinking too much.. I worry too much. B told me, “how could I trust you, if you don’t trust me?”

I do. 
I do trust you. 
Just that you don’t LET me trust you. You avoided me most of the time. You gave me a lot of excuses. You left me hanging just like that. Do these look trustable to you? I’m sorry, but you gave me room to doubt you.

I could watch the video no more. I could read the letter no more. I took my shower and got dressed for church.

At church I sat, I didn’t think about anything else other than you B. I was crying silently but some noticed it. I wish I could just act as if nothing happened. Well – I couldn’t. And I didn’t know how did you do that.

After church I left as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to meet or talk to anyone.
 I felt the urge to isolate myself…

1 comment:

  1. sometimes its best to move on with life.. the words that came out of ur lover is like a bullet shooting straight to u. n u take it without any resistance. u survive this maxs.. but always remember that if u keep the bullet in your body too long, then it may end up being sepsis. killing u softly if u dont take it out.. to take it out is painful, to forget is painful.. but in then end, we all will b ok.. safe as possible..