I woke up feeling heavy headed. My hand instinctively grabbed my phone to see if I got any texts from B. Nothing. Well – I’ve been dumped. What else could I expect? Silly me. And I've been checking my phone for the past week.
I kept thinking about B. The more I thought, the more tighter my chest felt. As if someone grabbed my heart and strangles it there and then. Images of me and B together flashed like a passing train through my mind.
I watched the video I made for B. I know I shouldn’t have watched it. But I wanted to. I watched it repeatedly, and tears repeatedly ran down my cheeks. I saw pictures of us together, at home, at trips…I can’t believe we weren’t together anymore. It just felt so different, it felt just as if my whole heart got infarcted – then only a small part was there, beating. I know it sounds totally non-medical, but that was what I thought earlier.
I took the leter B wrote for me on the 31 August. B wrote it just before I left home to come here to continue my studies. Actually I felt B was getting further away from me since B went to college. Actually I started crying long ago, since July. I felt something was wrong but B never told me anything. B told me that I was thinking too much.. I worry too much. B told me, “how could I trust you, if you don’t trust me?”
I do trust you.
Just that you don’t LET me trust you. You avoided me most of the time. You gave me a lot of excuses. You left me hanging just like that. Do these look trustable to you? I’m sorry, but you gave me room to doubt you.
I could watch the video no more. I could read the letter no more. I took my shower and got dressed for church.
At church I sat, I didn’t think about anything else other than you B. I was crying silently but some noticed it. I wish I could just act as if nothing happened. Well – I couldn’t. And I didn’t know how did you do that.
After church I left as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to meet or talk to anyone.
I felt the urge to isolate myself…