Wednesday, September 22

Day 10 - 22 September 2010

It's been the 10th day. 
I'm thinking whether I should post these rants or not. 
But why not post if I wrote it? What for am I writing this? Oh well maybe I'd read this in the future. But what for? Beats me.

I find myself crying almost every night. No matter how I tried not to. I don't know. Everything reminds me of you. Somehow, yeah. Somehow everything reminds me of you.

I'm still puzzled, confused, and terribly shaken.

I don't understand.
Why did it happen so fast?
Who was I to you before?
Did you ever love me when we were together?
Did you really mean it when you said you loved me?
Was I just a game to you?
...and the list could just go on.

I saw your pictures lately. I noticed that my ring was not there even. Well perhaps it was not there already for some time. But the naive me just got to realize it just now. Then I looked at my left hand. Your ring is still there, on my ring finger. I remembered what we promised together - to be there for each other forever. Might have sounded childish back then, but I really took your word for it. You know why?

You assured me that we would work out.
You convinced me to trust you.
You promised...
...but then promises were just mere words I guess.

I never felt so betrayed before. I feel like a total fool now. A fool for love. Is that wrong? I don't know.

I felt like tearing apart from inside.
It is so hard keeping it to myself.
I can't handle it alone.
I need to tell people.
I'm sorry.
I can't do it alone.

You've moved on so fast, I want to do so too. I can't be stuck here without you beside me.

It is so hard to fake my laughter every morning.
I don't want people to know.
I don't want them to know about how battered I am inside.
I don't want them to pity me.
It's miserable enough being alone.

Sunday, September 19

Day 7 – September 19, 2010

I woke up feeling heavy headed. My hand instinctively grabbed my phone to see if I got any texts from B. Nothing. Well – I’ve been dumped. What else could I expect? Silly me. And I've been checking my phone for the past week.

I kept thinking about B. The more I thought, the more tighter my chest felt. As if someone grabbed my heart and strangles it there and then. Images of me and B together flashed like a passing train through my mind.

I watched the video I made for B. I know I shouldn’t have watched it. But I wanted to. I watched it repeatedly, and tears repeatedly ran down my cheeks. I saw pictures of us together, at home, at trips…I can’t believe we weren’t together anymore. It just felt so different, it felt just as if my whole heart got infarcted – then only a small part was there, beating. I know it sounds totally non-medical, but that was what I thought earlier.

I took the leter B wrote for me on the 31 August. B wrote it just before I left home to come here to continue my studies. Actually I felt B was getting further away from me since B went to college. Actually I started crying long ago, since July. I felt something was wrong but B never told me anything. B told me that I was thinking too much.. I worry too much. B told me, “how could I trust you, if you don’t trust me?”

I do. 
I do trust you. 
Just that you don’t LET me trust you. You avoided me most of the time. You gave me a lot of excuses. You left me hanging just like that. Do these look trustable to you? I’m sorry, but you gave me room to doubt you.

I could watch the video no more. I could read the letter no more. I took my shower and got dressed for church.

At church I sat, I didn’t think about anything else other than you B. I was crying silently but some noticed it. I wish I could just act as if nothing happened. Well – I couldn’t. And I didn’t know how did you do that.

After church I left as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to meet or talk to anyone.
 I felt the urge to isolate myself…

Thursday, September 16

The 5 Most Lucrative Jobs of 2050

The year is 2050. Everyone is practically working top-notch professional job lines in every possible fields: medical, engineering, entertainment, resource and human management, agriculture and the list goes on. Basically everyone is working their asses off practically just to earn enough money to make a living - and it is safe to say: everyone forgot how to live the simple life. Now the simple life is in demand - people are trying to get in touch to things that defines humanity. Jobs that revolve around humanly values such as care, love, happiness and freedom – as well as values showing our imperfect existence such as vulnerability, mortality and incapability are lacking. Thus, this is the list of the top 5 most lucrative jobs for the year 2050:

"People are now forgetting the joys of spring cleaning the old way with family and loved ones. That's why the maid is very much needed during these times to reinject some humanity into us."

Why: Due to the heavy dependency of the world on electricity and depleting sources of energy (oh, FYI renewable and green energy is not anymore available as the world is not in a balanced ecosystem at all, thanks to what we have been doing for all these years) - blackouts are a common thing everyday. So all the high tech cleaning appliances are always out of order. Here comes the maid to save the day! Taking care of the home the old fashion way - with the help of the trusty broom and duster, and not forgetting the old wipecloth. 

Requirements: 5 year degree course in Domestic Cleaning - B.Sc (Hons) Domestic Cleaning

Academic Prospectus (Major):

  • Sweeping and Mopping Techniques I & II
  • Chemical Cleansers Analysis I, II & III
  • Dusting I & II, Laundry Management
  • Domestic Waste Management
  • Domestic Sanitizing
  • Pet Waste & Care Management

Academic Prospectus (Minor):
  • Interior Design I
  • Family Management I
  • Aesthetics and Homescaping

Coursework: 6 month internship in a sewage/local dump to gain hands-on experience on cleaning.

Salary Range: 15,000 - 18,000 USD.

" People nowadays forget the true value of a family institution. A stable and happy family institution is the basic nuclear institution from which a strong nation gets its sound foundation"

Why: People work 36 hours a day nowadays. We rarely get to meet our family in person - thanks to all the technology. Video conferencing and holographic projections of our families and loved ones are the best thing we can get nowadays since everyone lives in their workplace as of current. The home is just a nominal institution signifiying the presence of a family which is practically non-existent.

Requirements: 1 year foundation studies in Married Life Rites + 4 year degree course in Housewifery or Househusbandry (B.A. Housewifery, B.A. Househusbandry)

Academic Prospectus (Major):
  • Family Planning I & II
  • Family Management I, II, & III
  • Children Studies I & II
  • Love, Care and Happiness I & II
  • A House is Not A Home I & II

Academic Prospectus (Minor):
  • Communication Studies: Face to Face
  • Time Management
  • Anger Management
  • Stress Management

Coursework: 6 month attachment to a problematic family (anywhere in the world)

Salary Range: 20,000 – 24,500 USD

“People are becoming more and more robot-like with each passing day, not only in their mundane physical lives, but also slacking off in the creative and imaginative department. The essence of humanity lies in our ability to freely create and indulge in our endless imagination, and to lose that wonderful ability means to totally lose our humanity”

Why: Due to the overdeveloped world, people have reached the limit of their technological creativity – exhausting their imagination. As a consequence, they start to feel more robotic each day, living life without anything to look forward to. Gone are the words such as “thrills”, “adventure”, and “excitement”.

Requirements: 6 year degree course in Daydreaming and Imaginative Studies - B.Sc Daydreaming and Imaginative Studies (Hons)

Academic Prospectus (Major)
  • Creative Studies I, II & III
  • Daydreaming I, II, III & IV
  • Imagination I & II
  • Freedom of Thought I & II
  • Brainworks I & II
  • Mindworks I & II

Academic Prospectus (Minor)
  • Hobby I & II
  • SLAM (Science, Language, Art & Music) Collage Studies I
  • Mental Exercise I
  • Sleeping Exercises
  • Science of Instinct & Gut Feeling

Coursework: Continuous assessment of creativity and imaginative generation during periods of unattentiveness i.e. sleeping during lectures, dozing off under a tree, staring blankly out of a window etc.

Salary Range: 26,000 – 30,000 USD.

“Too many broken relationships and broken marriages tarnish the beauty of love, thanks to long hours at work and rampant involvement in borderless online socializing. People need to be educated about the basics of love and the sanctity of it.”

Why: The word “family” and “couples” and “marriages” are not anymore the matters of the heart now, since everyone are married to their jobs and careers. Most get into marriage and relationships just because its another rite of passage of an adult human being. Gone are the values of true love and the promises it brings with it.

Requirements: 1 year foundation studies in Married Life Rites OR Relationship Science + 5 year degree programme in Pure Love (B.Sc Pure Love)

Academic Prospectus (Major):
  • Love, Care and Happiness I, II, III & IV
  • Trustology I & II
  • Science of Understanding
  • Head-Over-Heels-ology
  • Love For Dummies I, II & III
  • Communication: Face to Face
  • Communication: Heart to Heart

Academic prospectus (Minor)
  • Psychology
  • Science of Comforting and Acceptance Studies
  • Science of Forgiving and Forgetting
  • Anger Management

Coursework: 8-12 months experience being in relationship with fixed external factors in a controlled environment.

Salary Range: 24,000 – 32,000 USD.

“Sometimes there must be a loser. You can’t win all the time. It’s against the rules of nature”

Why: People nowadays are so competitive. Everyone wins. It feels as if life has been rigged. It defies the norm. Life is always about balance, there must be a winning side, and there’s the losing side as well. Now life has been thrown out of balance. People grow arrogant and cocky because they never felt the feeling of being a loser. People forget the values of being humble and they forget the saying – things that doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. One more thing, we gain through losing.

Requirements: 1 year foundation studies in Solitary Science + 5 year degree programme in Loserology  (B.Sc Loserology)

Academic Prospectus (Major)
  • Yin and Yang I & II
  • Science of Patience
  • Hermitology I, II & III
  • Loser Thinking I, II & III
  • Total Crap I & II

Academic Prospectus (Minor)
  • General Wasting I & II
  • Science of Misfortune

Coursework: Any three (3) successive misfortunes in any field with considerable impact of emotional breakdown, plus affection in another socioeconomic aspect, submitted in a full-detail report paper.

Salary Range: Estimated over 30,000 USD


Saturday, September 11

Day 1 - September 11, 2010

Today was just like any other day. I woke up as usual in the morning, took my bath and packed my bag for classes. And this week we have a new cycle – Autopsy. Oh great, cutting up the dead. A thought which I didn’t really look forward to, actually. And so there I was, on the bus., on the way to the morgue. It was a long journey, I thought. Then my thoughts drifted away, and these words suddenly ran across my mind:

“Please do not disturb me anymore. Live your life without me.”

Then my vision became blurry, and I felt my chest tighten. MY breath became heavy and deep, as I felt trickles of sadness run down my cheeks. Reading that message earlier before going to class was a wrong move.

September 11. This date has been etched into the minds of modern humans, as a day of great disaster and sorrow. For those who actually lost their families and loved ones on that day, today marks another anniversary of that painful memory. And now, I think I’m going to be one of them who will remember September 11 as a day of great grief.

On September 11, 2010 – I was dumped.

Yup. After 6 months together. The end has come. I should have seen it coming. It was so perfect in the beginning. I guess it was just not meant to be. What about all the promises made a long time ago? Was it all true, or was it all a lie?

I was shattered. My whole world just stood still as I read the words that made me weak in the knees. We promised to be together, be there for each other, in pain or gain, in health or sickness, in joy or sorrow. I guess the promises were just words. I was the only one who was hanging on to my promises.

I couldn’t concentrate at all in class. I had to bail out of the autopsy room. The stench of the rotting corpse strained my endurance to the max, and I nearly had nothing at all to begin with. I left and immediately went home. I just laid on my bed the whole day. I didn’t eat. I didn’t feel like eating. I laid on my bed from afternoon till the night. I only woke up to brush my teeth and wash my face which was drenched in tears. I slept immediately after that, perhaps due to the crying I’ve done the whole day. And as I texted B good night, I wished myself good night as well.