Wednesday, September 22

Day 10 - 22 September 2010

It's been the 10th day. 
I'm thinking whether I should post these rants or not. 
But why not post if I wrote it? What for am I writing this? Oh well maybe I'd read this in the future. But what for? Beats me.

I find myself crying almost every night. No matter how I tried not to. I don't know. Everything reminds me of you. Somehow, yeah. Somehow everything reminds me of you.

I'm still puzzled, confused, and terribly shaken.

I don't understand.
Why did it happen so fast?
Who was I to you before?
Did you ever love me when we were together?
Did you really mean it when you said you loved me?
Was I just a game to you?
...and the list could just go on.

I saw your pictures lately. I noticed that my ring was not there even. Well perhaps it was not there already for some time. But the naive me just got to realize it just now. Then I looked at my left hand. Your ring is still there, on my ring finger. I remembered what we promised together - to be there for each other forever. Might have sounded childish back then, but I really took your word for it. You know why?

You assured me that we would work out.
You convinced me to trust you.
You promised...
...but then promises were just mere words I guess.

I never felt so betrayed before. I feel like a total fool now. A fool for love. Is that wrong? I don't know.

I felt like tearing apart from inside.
It is so hard keeping it to myself.
I can't handle it alone.
I need to tell people.
I'm sorry.
I can't do it alone.

You've moved on so fast, I want to do so too. I can't be stuck here without you beside me.

It is so hard to fake my laughter every morning.
I don't want people to know.
I don't want them to know about how battered I am inside.
I don't want them to pity me.
It's miserable enough being alone.

Sunday, September 19

Day 7 – September 19, 2010

I woke up feeling heavy headed. My hand instinctively grabbed my phone to see if I got any texts from B. Nothing. Well – I’ve been dumped. What else could I expect? Silly me. And I've been checking my phone for the past week.

I kept thinking about B. The more I thought, the more tighter my chest felt. As if someone grabbed my heart and strangles it there and then. Images of me and B together flashed like a passing train through my mind.

I watched the video I made for B. I know I shouldn’t have watched it. But I wanted to. I watched it repeatedly, and tears repeatedly ran down my cheeks. I saw pictures of us together, at home, at trips…I can’t believe we weren’t together anymore. It just felt so different, it felt just as if my whole heart got infarcted – then only a small part was there, beating. I know it sounds totally non-medical, but that was what I thought earlier.

I took the leter B wrote for me on the 31 August. B wrote it just before I left home to come here to continue my studies. Actually I felt B was getting further away from me since B went to college. Actually I started crying long ago, since July. I felt something was wrong but B never told me anything. B told me that I was thinking too much.. I worry too much. B told me, “how could I trust you, if you don’t trust me?”

I do. 
I do trust you. 
Just that you don’t LET me trust you. You avoided me most of the time. You gave me a lot of excuses. You left me hanging just like that. Do these look trustable to you? I’m sorry, but you gave me room to doubt you.

I could watch the video no more. I could read the letter no more. I took my shower and got dressed for church.

At church I sat, I didn’t think about anything else other than you B. I was crying silently but some noticed it. I wish I could just act as if nothing happened. Well – I couldn’t. And I didn’t know how did you do that.

After church I left as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to meet or talk to anyone.
 I felt the urge to isolate myself…

Thursday, September 16

The 5 Most Lucrative Jobs of 2050

The year is 2050. Everyone is practically working top-notch professional job lines in every possible fields: medical, engineering, entertainment, resource and human management, agriculture and the list goes on. Basically everyone is working their asses off practically just to earn enough money to make a living - and it is safe to say: everyone forgot how to live the simple life. Now the simple life is in demand - people are trying to get in touch to things that defines humanity. Jobs that revolve around humanly values such as care, love, happiness and freedom – as well as values showing our imperfect existence such as vulnerability, mortality and incapability are lacking. Thus, this is the list of the top 5 most lucrative jobs for the year 2050:

"People are now forgetting the joys of spring cleaning the old way with family and loved ones. That's why the maid is very much needed during these times to reinject some humanity into us."

Why: Due to the heavy dependency of the world on electricity and depleting sources of energy (oh, FYI renewable and green energy is not anymore available as the world is not in a balanced ecosystem at all, thanks to what we have been doing for all these years) - blackouts are a common thing everyday. So all the high tech cleaning appliances are always out of order. Here comes the maid to save the day! Taking care of the home the old fashion way - with the help of the trusty broom and duster, and not forgetting the old wipecloth. 

Requirements: 5 year degree course in Domestic Cleaning - B.Sc (Hons) Domestic Cleaning

Academic Prospectus (Major):

  • Sweeping and Mopping Techniques I & II
  • Chemical Cleansers Analysis I, II & III
  • Dusting I & II, Laundry Management
  • Domestic Waste Management
  • Domestic Sanitizing
  • Pet Waste & Care Management

Academic Prospectus (Minor):
  • Interior Design I
  • Family Management I
  • Aesthetics and Homescaping

Coursework: 6 month internship in a sewage/local dump to gain hands-on experience on cleaning.

Salary Range: 15,000 - 18,000 USD.

" People nowadays forget the true value of a family institution. A stable and happy family institution is the basic nuclear institution from which a strong nation gets its sound foundation"

Why: People work 36 hours a day nowadays. We rarely get to meet our family in person - thanks to all the technology. Video conferencing and holographic projections of our families and loved ones are the best thing we can get nowadays since everyone lives in their workplace as of current. The home is just a nominal institution signifiying the presence of a family which is practically non-existent.

Requirements: 1 year foundation studies in Married Life Rites + 4 year degree course in Housewifery or Househusbandry (B.A. Housewifery, B.A. Househusbandry)

Academic Prospectus (Major):
  • Family Planning I & II
  • Family Management I, II, & III
  • Children Studies I & II
  • Love, Care and Happiness I & II
  • A House is Not A Home I & II

Academic Prospectus (Minor):
  • Communication Studies: Face to Face
  • Time Management
  • Anger Management
  • Stress Management

Coursework: 6 month attachment to a problematic family (anywhere in the world)

Salary Range: 20,000 – 24,500 USD

“People are becoming more and more robot-like with each passing day, not only in their mundane physical lives, but also slacking off in the creative and imaginative department. The essence of humanity lies in our ability to freely create and indulge in our endless imagination, and to lose that wonderful ability means to totally lose our humanity”

Why: Due to the overdeveloped world, people have reached the limit of their technological creativity – exhausting their imagination. As a consequence, they start to feel more robotic each day, living life without anything to look forward to. Gone are the words such as “thrills”, “adventure”, and “excitement”.

Requirements: 6 year degree course in Daydreaming and Imaginative Studies - B.Sc Daydreaming and Imaginative Studies (Hons)

Academic Prospectus (Major)
  • Creative Studies I, II & III
  • Daydreaming I, II, III & IV
  • Imagination I & II
  • Freedom of Thought I & II
  • Brainworks I & II
  • Mindworks I & II

Academic Prospectus (Minor)
  • Hobby I & II
  • SLAM (Science, Language, Art & Music) Collage Studies I
  • Mental Exercise I
  • Sleeping Exercises
  • Science of Instinct & Gut Feeling

Coursework: Continuous assessment of creativity and imaginative generation during periods of unattentiveness i.e. sleeping during lectures, dozing off under a tree, staring blankly out of a window etc.

Salary Range: 26,000 – 30,000 USD.

“Too many broken relationships and broken marriages tarnish the beauty of love, thanks to long hours at work and rampant involvement in borderless online socializing. People need to be educated about the basics of love and the sanctity of it.”

Why: The word “family” and “couples” and “marriages” are not anymore the matters of the heart now, since everyone are married to their jobs and careers. Most get into marriage and relationships just because its another rite of passage of an adult human being. Gone are the values of true love and the promises it brings with it.

Requirements: 1 year foundation studies in Married Life Rites OR Relationship Science + 5 year degree programme in Pure Love (B.Sc Pure Love)

Academic Prospectus (Major):
  • Love, Care and Happiness I, II, III & IV
  • Trustology I & II
  • Science of Understanding
  • Head-Over-Heels-ology
  • Love For Dummies I, II & III
  • Communication: Face to Face
  • Communication: Heart to Heart

Academic prospectus (Minor)
  • Psychology
  • Science of Comforting and Acceptance Studies
  • Science of Forgiving and Forgetting
  • Anger Management

Coursework: 8-12 months experience being in relationship with fixed external factors in a controlled environment.

Salary Range: 24,000 – 32,000 USD.

“Sometimes there must be a loser. You can’t win all the time. It’s against the rules of nature”

Why: People nowadays are so competitive. Everyone wins. It feels as if life has been rigged. It defies the norm. Life is always about balance, there must be a winning side, and there’s the losing side as well. Now life has been thrown out of balance. People grow arrogant and cocky because they never felt the feeling of being a loser. People forget the values of being humble and they forget the saying – things that doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. One more thing, we gain through losing.

Requirements: 1 year foundation studies in Solitary Science + 5 year degree programme in Loserology  (B.Sc Loserology)

Academic Prospectus (Major)
  • Yin and Yang I & II
  • Science of Patience
  • Hermitology I, II & III
  • Loser Thinking I, II & III
  • Total Crap I & II

Academic Prospectus (Minor)
  • General Wasting I & II
  • Science of Misfortune

Coursework: Any three (3) successive misfortunes in any field with considerable impact of emotional breakdown, plus affection in another socioeconomic aspect, submitted in a full-detail report paper.

Salary Range: Estimated over 30,000 USD


Saturday, September 11

Day 1 - September 11, 2010

Today was just like any other day. I woke up as usual in the morning, took my bath and packed my bag for classes. And this week we have a new cycle – Autopsy. Oh great, cutting up the dead. A thought which I didn’t really look forward to, actually. And so there I was, on the bus., on the way to the morgue. It was a long journey, I thought. Then my thoughts drifted away, and these words suddenly ran across my mind:

“Please do not disturb me anymore. Live your life without me.”

Then my vision became blurry, and I felt my chest tighten. MY breath became heavy and deep, as I felt trickles of sadness run down my cheeks. Reading that message earlier before going to class was a wrong move.

September 11. This date has been etched into the minds of modern humans, as a day of great disaster and sorrow. For those who actually lost their families and loved ones on that day, today marks another anniversary of that painful memory. And now, I think I’m going to be one of them who will remember September 11 as a day of great grief.

On September 11, 2010 – I was dumped.

Yup. After 6 months together. The end has come. I should have seen it coming. It was so perfect in the beginning. I guess it was just not meant to be. What about all the promises made a long time ago? Was it all true, or was it all a lie?

I was shattered. My whole world just stood still as I read the words that made me weak in the knees. We promised to be together, be there for each other, in pain or gain, in health or sickness, in joy or sorrow. I guess the promises were just words. I was the only one who was hanging on to my promises.

I couldn’t concentrate at all in class. I had to bail out of the autopsy room. The stench of the rotting corpse strained my endurance to the max, and I nearly had nothing at all to begin with. I left and immediately went home. I just laid on my bed the whole day. I didn’t eat. I didn’t feel like eating. I laid on my bed from afternoon till the night. I only woke up to brush my teeth and wash my face which was drenched in tears. I slept immediately after that, perhaps due to the crying I’ve done the whole day. And as I texted B good night, I wished myself good night as well.


Sunday, June 6

Harvest Festival 2010 : Culture and Tradition defines Humanity.

Being far away from home will certainly make you miss dearly what have you left behind. That includes family, friends, culture and tradition. But that does not necessarily mean that they should be forgotten altogether. It is easy to keep in contact with your family and friends - as now in the modern world, there are practically no borders for telecommunication. You can call home via phone or IDD cards, and even through internet programs namely Skype, Yahoo Messenger, MSN Live Messenger - just to name a few.

But how to keep in touch with your culture, your traditions? Sadly not many of the youngsters these days really take much effort to get in touch with their roots. What I mean by roots are the ways of the old, which are unique for every ethnic group. I personally believe that not everything should succumb to the iron-fist dictatorship of technology, some things should be preserved and kept for generations to come - as a reminder of our past. And  to know the past then comparing it to the present, it is really amazing to see how much have we progressed to be who we are now.

I used to be one of the ignorant  youngsters, who was brought up in the big city, who thought that modernity was the only way of life, and who thought it was the sole decisive factor that kept humanity progressing forwards. I failed to see how important it is to keep my traditions and culture alive, as I always thought that it was the responsibility for those who live in the villages.


Being sent overseas to study has really opened my eyes to the world surrounding me. And I feel so lucky to be one of them who actually get to go outside from under the coconut shell to actually explore what is it like out there. I have traveled to many different countries - and I am very proud to actually say that I have visited them: Thailand, Vietnam, South Korea, UAE, Czech Republic, Russia, Spain, England, Wales, Ireland, Italy, Vatican City, Latvia, Germany, Austria, Netherlands and Egypt. One of the most valuable things I have learnt during my travels is that the only thing that makes us unique as human beings is our CULTURE. Without it, humankind will be no more different than robots. Realizing this, I took a great effort to actually start learning something about my culture.

Culture can be studied from a lot of different aspects. So, I decided to choose a particular part of culture based on my strong background of stage performance and also my enthusiasm for it - that is why I decided to learn more about cultural dancing. 

It all started from a small show we did for a local orphanage. Me and 3 of my friends decided to dance the traditional Kadazandusun Sumazau dance, and also the Iban Ngajat dance. Boy, did I suck big time! After the dance, I recalled watching in horror how I danced from the recording - I danced somewhat like a cockerel being strangled to death! Seriously, it was that awful. The last time I danced on stage was in like, primary 5! 

The only thing saving my ass was my original Kadazandusun outfit which I made myself in 3 days during my 2nd year summer break. (Well, it took that long because I had only basic sewing knowledge my mom taught me when I was young) . The reason I made that outfit was not at all intended for any dancing - it was meant to be worn to any cultural nights just to show off the bling-bling!

After that embarrassing debut on stage, I vowed to myself never to put myself through such shame ever again. But that did not stop me from itching on stage in the future. My next chance came quite fast - we were requested to perform for our annual Malaysian Cultural Night. Then I had an idea. I approached a few friends from Sarawak and Sabah to propose to them the idea of doing a collaboration of Sabahan and Sarawakian dances. Fortunately they agreed! Thus - in November 2008, the Kenyalang Kinabalu Cultural Troupe (KKCT) was formed!

Since we had a lot of members, but limited costumes - I decided to create the other costumes. But it was not easy. I borrowed my Kadazandusun outfit to another friend, and I designed a creative Iban outfit for myself. So in the 2008 edition, we featured the costumes of the Iban, Bajau, Orang Ulu, Bidayuh, Kadazan, Rungus, Murut, and Suluk ethnics, respectively.

KKCT became an overnight cultural sensation. We were invited to perform for various intra- and inter-university events. And I was the beaming "Huguan Siou" konon - because my idea of creating a cultural dance troupe became true, and not only that we acheived a great milestone!

Our biggest acheivement to date is competing in the Spring Student's Festival Russian Federation State Level - we were so hyped about the competition, we added another dance number to our repertoire and added more difficulty to our routine. The result? KKCT bags the Silver Laureate award! We never thought we would place anyway, as there were many good performances that night. Perhaps it was Beginner's Luck :)

A year passed by then, in 2009 I was elected as the VP of Social and Cultural Affairs of our university's Malaysian Student's Association - I guess it was mainly due to to my experience and achievements in performing arts. Shortly after the elections, we were invited to perform at the International Student's Cultural Exhibition. We added more dancers, added more variability and color, added more accessories and costumes. This time a Kelabit girl, an Iban girl and another Kadazan guy joins the KKCT. And as you can see, I changed my Iban outift for an Orang Ulu outfit.

And being Social and Cultural Affairs VP doesn't mean that I'm basked in glory and glamor. I had to get my hands down and dirty to show that I am really capable of doing my job well. More like a proving test. So my next assignment is MACH (Malaysian Arts, Culture, & Heritage) Night 2009. So I decided to direct a movie depicting the legendary heroes and characters in history.

And I played the part of Gusti Adipati, brother of Gusti Putri (from Puteri Gunung Ledang). So for that role, I designed this outfit.

Then in 2010 - the biggest challenge I have ever faced. It was the Annual Malaysian Students' Intervarsity Games - dubbed as Kursk Games 2010 (Our city of Kursk was selected to be host for the annual games). I was elected to be the Events Manager, and I am generally responsible for the performances to entertain everyone. So I put together a 2 hour non stop concert consisting of a myriad of Malay, Chinese, Indian, Borneo, Modern and Jazz dance numbers, not forgetting a few musical acts and also vocal performances. Obviously I was in charge of the Borneo performances, putting KKCT on stage.

And personally, I need to hype up my costume. And so did the rest with their costumes. Stick more sequins, stitch more fabric here, sew some ribbons there...HEHE.(FYI, I did my costume from scratch, using cardboard, cellophane, fabric, sequins, pigeon feathers, leather straps, ribbons, sarong cloth and other random stuff I could get my hands on. Being in Europe made me redefine creativity to create a costume without the original fabrics and ornaments. So this is what I thought was the best I could ever do, given such circumstances.)

And so the Gala Night came. 
And thus we marched on stage, nosily - as the heavy ornaments on the costumes swayed and made tinkling sounds, while we carried with us the bamboo sticks, the drums and the flowers...
And thus we moved into position, as we waited for the drums and gongs to start beating, the flute to start whistling, the chants of the old weaving here and there...
 And thus we paved our feet and carved the air with our hands in tandem with the resonating music, as we swayed our bodies showing off the shiny sequins which reflected the cameras' flashes...
And thus we showed the world a tiny bit of our Borneo native culture, which has been well kept for generations...
And thus we wowed the crowd.
And thus the resounding applause.

So as a closing note, I really am very proud of myself and my teammates for we were able to at least portray a glimpse of what we have back home in Sarawak and Sabah. Our KKCT journey from 2008 - 2010 has been a very exciting and enlightening one. 

Kotobian Tadau Tagayo do Kaamatan 2010 & Gayu Guruh Gerai Nyamai 2010

Wednesday, June 2

Will the Fence eat the Paddy?

"At some point in life, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep people out. They fence you in. That's how we're made. So you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines...that are way too dangerous to cross."

The Humble Paddy


The Sturdy Fence

An old Malay proverb goes like this - Harapkan pagar, pagar makan padi. 

Loosely translated into English - Trust the fence, but the fence eats the paddy.

This is a proverb with the word DISAPPOINTMENT written all over its face (that is, if it even has one LOL). Metaphorically speaking - the farmer depends on the fence to keep animals from feasting upon his paddy plants, but to his dismay, the fence whom he entrusted the protection for his paddy actually betrayed him, for the fence "ate" his paddy.

Betrayal is painful. Luckily it hasn't happened yet. But I surely don't want it to happen! So, is it a wise move to prevent any possible betrayals in the future, and is there a non-awkward way to actually accomplish it?

Now let me tell you another metaphoric story.

Let's say person A and B are very good friends. Now, A and B love pets. A goes head over heels for tabby cats, and on the other hand B simply adores Persian cats. So basically both of them have very different tastes, worlds apart to be exact.

Now, A has had a lot of different pets before, and so did B. So for this time, A was lucky as A was given a highly-prized pedigree dog. B on the other hand, was pet-less, or was having a pet but of normal breed. So having a dog for a first time was very exciting for A.

So B started to go to A's home to see the dog. The act seemed harmless at first, but then B started to come more frequently and became closer to the dog, played joyfully with it, and once in a while giving it food and the dog STARTED to show response to B's voice and commands. A seem worried as B is getting closer to the dog, and A doesn't want the dog to respond to any other people. Perhaps B even wants to take the dog out for a doggie walk!

Now the question is, 
WHY does B show so much interest in the dog now? 
WHY not with A's previous pets? 
WHY only now B decides to come to A's home just to see the pets? 
Obviously B is interested in the dog, isn't it?

What should A do? 
Tell B to not come so often? 
Tell B to stay away from the dog? 
Should A confront B and ask B what is B's motive of suddenly getting close to the dog?

A is afraid that by telling B what A feels, their close friendship will take the toll.
A wants the dog all to A's self! It is the most dear thing to A!
Yes, maybe A is possesive, maybe A is jealous. But this is what A feels.

A feels that B is just trying to get friendly to the dog. Well, maybe a LITTLE too friendly.
And it is not the dog's fault. 
The dog is engineered to be friendly.
There are a lot more dogs out there, B - why would you disturb A's dog?

I would like to believe that close best friends are to be treasured forever for they will be there for you no matter in thick or thin, but if you start to think differently about them - what does that mean? I would not, seriously, WOULD NOT talk bad of my close best friends but - nowadays, life is messy.

No matter how we draw boundaries, some people will not get the message. They, on the other hand, should know better than to cross it, and if they are your close best friends - that gives them more reason to be considerate of you and your boundaries!

Maybe I am just paranoid. Maybe I am just thinking too much. Maybe I am insecure. But nowadays, there are many cases of BFF Betrayal - and I don't want to be involved in one! The BFFs that you trusted with all your heart are the ones who are actually betraying you - now that SUCKS big time.

But seriously, its a doggy-doggy world out there. 
Eat, or be eaten. 
What's mine, it's mine. 
What's yours, it's yours.